- Country music
- I only like the songs that everyone sings together in drunk bonding moments. Otherwise, it’s pretty much all the same twangy rip-roaring bullshit about pickup trucks and trashy girls and many other classic you-might-be-a-redneck-if-you-recognize-this references. I like a little more variety. And brain power. Sidenote: Keith Urban? Australian. Taylor Swift? From Pennsylvania. WTF?
- Sarah Jessica Parker/Sex and the City
- How did one of the ugliest mugs in the business become New York’s (and every Sex and the City fan’s) ultimate fashion icon? No, but seriously, face aside, who above the age of seven wears a god damned tutu out of the house for anything aside from a dance recital? This show is just absolutely absurd. I don’t care about any of these women or their lives, except for maybe Samantha because I find her hilarious. This show is put on the air to make me and my peers jealous of people who aren’t even better than me but are living the dream. Fuck you Sarah Jessica Parker. I agree with Peter Griffin: “She looks like a foot.” (Note: I did love her in Hocus Pocus.)
- Grey’s Anatomy
- Meredith Grey is a whiney, lispy, self-destructive bitch that should do us all a favor and slit her wrists. And the Asian chick looks like she got hit in the face with a frying pan. Patrick Dempsey is the only reason I ever have, or ever will, allow myself to be forcibly handcuffed to a chair to watch Grey’s Anatomy.
- Hipsters(“hippies” of the new era)
- Look, you’re not better than everyone else just because you think it’s wrong to eat anything with eggs in it. Therefore, no one wants to hear you bitch and moan about politics (even when your pick got the vote, you pinko-commie bastards), your musings on Nietzsche and the progress you’ve made on the painting of him you’re doing with organic baby food, or your opinion on just about…everything. (Especially the politics thing. And the war. Please shut up, you know nothing about what’s going on over there.) You are glorified emos. Look! The hair, the nerdy glasses, the tight jeans…this has all become cool somehow? We used to make fun of kids for all of that nigh on three years ago (see: The Emo Song). Also, quit it with the Che Guevara shirts. We don’t need to see a human billboard to know that you’re a Communist.
- Che Guevara t-shirts
- I hate them so much they get to be on the list twice. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone but waspy, over-privileged white kids wearing the face of one of the world’s most vicious dictators proudly on their chest as a shot to “the man.” Dude. The man never got you down. Do you even KNOW who Che was, or is it enough that you’re making some sort of “bold statement?” Please look up how many people he killed. Where are your tree-hugging, peace-mongering, peace-sign chucking, wishy-washy naïve ideals now, maan?
- Mixed drinks
- They don’t make sense. They typically don’t taste good, so there’s the first problem. And if you’re skipping taste to go straight for results, well they just don’t come along quickly enough unless you’re pounding Long Island Iced Teas. So why not just cut the shit and rip shots? Frankly, I’d rather have a beer.
- Lady Gaga
- Is she really a huge whore, or does she just like to dress like one? And sing about “taking a ride on your disco-stick” after she’s turned her shirt inside out and probably lost it in a game of poker. Sure, plenty of us have had sloppy nights, but just dancing never makes it okay.
- Ugg boots and skirts
- Stupid.
- Angelina Jolie
- She is not great because she has enough money to adopt one child from every starving country on the planet. She’s a dirty home wrecker, not to mention a psycho bitch. Does anyone remember Billy Bob’s blood in a vial around her neck?? The make out session with her brother?? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS. Angelina Jolie is not a good person because she can help people. She just has enough money to do so and a good enough publicist to tell her to. Here’s my advice to her: try and remember that you have a biological child. With one of the hottest men ever. Maybe you should get your head out of Africa’s (and the movie industry’s) ass(es)[1] and hang out with your family.
[1] I mean, honestly, did any of you see Wanted?
"Punch drunk off 0f somebody's joke...what happened to the time?" -Third Eye Blind, "Crystal Baller"
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Hot bread, Zeke!